Workplace Productivity – Impper – Jan 11

Being unemployed bums, most of you probably aren’t “hip” to some of the newer trends in the workplace productivity space. I’m here to bring you in on the “Time Management Revolution!”

Today we will use a standard instance of these applications, one competitor in a field of dozens, even hundreds. As it turns out, corporate monitoring software is easy to code and produce, so in general success in this field is determined by marketing, business-to-business contacts, and web presence as much as quality of software. Here is one such competitor:

Here is your most common readout. A simple comparison of “Productive” versus “Non productive” time spent. Many companies today will actually dock your pay for all of the “Non productive” (as defined by the program) time you spend at your desk.

Here is your common activity intensity chart:

An industry standard and, surprisingly, a relatively recent advance in Productivity Management software, activity intensity metrics determine the behavior patterns of your employees. How much time is spent on break, how much time spent reading, typing, clicking, and whatever else you care to track is easily accessible. This is a way to distinguish beyond simple “results;” for example, a productive employee may not be working at his full capacity, or an unproductive employee may be trying her best but not be up to snuff. Companies have different policies regarding this, but most often “productive slackers” are looked upon poorly as lacking work ethic and even being immoral.

One funny story from my company is when intensity was tracked for “productive” versus “non productive” work time: as it turns out, many employees conduct their activity far more intensely when they are “non productive!” Wow, you people are just begging to be fired with cause! Spike our unemployment insurance payments? I think not!

The productivity map:

Ah, here is a nice little innovation: the Productivity Map. A nice geographical chart highlighting exactly where employees spend their time. These are nice little visual representations that help a firm “eyeball” potential “labor thieves,” also known as unproductive employees. As always, the goal of Productivity Management software is to maximize the value of your labor!

One recent development is the use of screen tracking software. In this program, it is possible to click the bubbles; the bubbles are mapped to timestamps and screenshots. This is useful for “ambiguously productive” applications like Outlook (as pictured here), since it is possible for employees to conduct both productive and non-productive activity while in this program.

A common trick among savvy employees is to tunnel into their home computer or use a tethered wireless connection, so that only a single connection to an outside network can be “seen” by the IT department. Installing Productivity Management software defeats this and every other deceit your simple-minded employees might conceive! Of course, Productivity Management software monitors all keystrokes, all web activity, all connections made, and can even monitor web camera inputs without the employee’s knowledge (catch those tricksters who waste valuable time conversing with their peers!).

Track every form of employee theft! Exterminate every non productive behavior! Maximize every labor hour! No longer will the parasites steal from your business!